To the river of secrets

{For centuries, the rivers of our country have been guarding so many secrets of the soul…

In our tradition, when one dies, the dead body is burnt in firewood and afterwards,  the ashes are immersed and floated away in the river…. Therefore, our ancient rivers know every secret of our soul which remains unknown even to this world or society …}

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I have always wondered.... Why should our differences come in the way of our love ? Why are we using our differences to create a rift in our love that we have for each other ? Does these differences really matter and if these really really matter, then love is needed  perhaps even more now than ever before to heal the wounds created by these differences.

Or maybe, you don’t need this love or healing because to you, these differences are so vital and of so much  significance … and  perhaps love would make them appear less significant.

Whatever it is but it is true that I need love to hold on to you but do you ?  Do you need love or do you just need to hold on to me with or without love… with me  sitting by your side, living under the same sky that shelters us and that is what you would love to call love …but I want a little more than that …I want to enter your soul and I want you to enter in my soul…to the extent that you and I no longer remain two separate entities…so that I can forget who I am and who you are…is that even possible ? I am sure, it is …in my dreams, in my imagination but most of all, in my daily efforts to reunite us, each moment, each day…

Are you even aware of what is going on in my mind ? about the thoughts that I am having about you and me ? Perhaps not …

And that is why my thoughts are so precious…I love you not only in reality and through my actions but also in my thoughts..everyday  my thoughts live up to my expectations of a perfect love…

Yes, I am that kind of a girl.

I do not come from a broken life. I have a life, a good one and that too, that fulfills all your criteria and standards of a good life.

But I come from a broken heart. 

My soul cannot reach most of you. So I came this far in search of a perfect life in spite of having a good life.
Yes, I know that millions of people are homeless and friendless. Still, I am looking for something more than that ….

You see, I have my ideals firmly placed in my heart which I have been compromising for too long but compromising  does not mean that I will not keep thinking about what I ideally want to have.

That which God does not give us like -  love, peace and fulfillment, I will try to get them.

 I will try even if I don’t get them.

There are three ways that I feel fulfilled:

In trying and searching, I feel half fulfilled…

In dreaming and imagining that I have got them, I am more than half fulfilled …

and

In believing that one day, I will get near them and acquire them, I feel ultimate fulfillment and happiness.

Thus, happiness for me is : believing in the near impossible.

Maybe, it seems to you that I am talking like a frustrated child but I am not a child. A child may not think consciously but I am writing & thinking with full knowledge and awareness.

It does not matter whether you call me a fool, a crazy girl, or something else,  I will still continue to think like that.

You will never think like me and I will never think like you.

 And sometimes, when we do think like each other, we call it love.

I am grateful for the things that God gave me and I want them not replaced but reformed with more feelings, more love and more attachment and connection. It is not with the things that I have but with the gravity and depth of the things and the dimensions of the things…

Also, I need something extra, something extraordinary that is there in my visualization and one day my visualizations will take form, I believe.

I am not ignorant.

 I am aware that I might never get what I want. In fact, I have a doubt that the things that I want may not totally exist also.

But I like to doubt also. Because in doubting, there is 50:50 chance !!

So rather than not dreaming, not wanting and not wishing at all…let me at least dream, wish and then doubt it all…

Let me fantasize and visualize and only after that, I will throw all of it  away in your waters  where you will secretly guard my secrets forever…

Because you know that the soul has a life of its own…