Embracing my Inner Artist

It took me sometime to realize the significance of the gifts that God has given to all of us.

Prior to that, for almost ten years, I stopped painting. That was the time, I was doing my research and was simultaneously teaching in a college. My art book, my painting brushes and my old paintings were gathering dust somewhere in an old chest somewhere in my parents' home.

But I was not happy, after all.

It is not easy. In a society where money is everything. If not money, then the cause itself, the cause of doing something solely for your own interest { where the society is not directly getting any benefit from it }  is considered selfish in itself.

But only the heart of an artist can feel the longing of another artist.

In  a short story written by Rabindranath Tagore,  titled "The  Artist", the mother { a homemaker and an unknown artist herself }, says of her artist son, defending him against his uncle who discouraged art :  " If he ends up a street beggar, that would be better. But I pray, he never turns out like you ".

Actually, I was obsessed with art and creativity from a very young age. I did not even go to any art school, yet I was drawn to art like anything. It would be very simplistic to say that I found solace in art. Life was art for me, or rather art was life.

Art, not only in the form of sketching and painting, but creating anything be it making a collage, making a  bag, decorating the room, writing poetry, getting lost in music, styling food in a plate, designing outfits, or photographing objects and subjects or simply  feeling and seeing the beauty of nature with a sense of  awe and wonder... finding beauty in day to day simple things...in the structure of a coriander leaf or a citrus fruit..
For me, everything in life was art.

I would talk about art and creativity to disinterested friends and relatives. They would find my ideas, "abstract" and "philosophical ".

Gradually, I began to keep a distance from these people and stopped bothering them with my over enthusiasm for anything artistic or creative.

Yet, I had to sit with them and listen to their conversation about the topics that interested them, topics like whose daughter eloped with whom and who is good and who is bad and what will they be wearing at which party. But I felt uneasy, particularly with the gossip and the hatred that people had  for each other.

Gradually, I distanced myself..

As a result, I was called aloof and unsocial.

But I was lonely in a sea of people.
I was not comfortable with this loneliness.
But then, "Almost all creative souls are lonely."
So, with this understanding, I began to enjoy my loneliness or alone-ness.

Years rolled by. I could clearly see by then that it would be difficult for me to fit into a lot of places.  But I wanted to follow my heart.

Fast Forward to the present.

I started painting again. I started sketching.

The first time, I took the pencil in my hands, after a gap of ten long years, I was frightened. I was trying to sketch the figure of a woman and I was not getting the strokes and the shapes right. Somewhere I was feeling a lack of a natural flow. The lack of  spontaneity.

That day, the sketch did not turn out to be good.

So the next morning , I woke up and re-sketched. I corrected the features with the help of an eraser. I used the eraser again and again. I corrected the sketch so many times, until I got all the expressions on her face according to my desire. I was finally happy. I finally felt confident.

So, I started sketching again, I started feeling the music and rhythm of my life again, I started writing poetry again, I started renewing my creative life.

Finally, I embraced my inner artist.

After cleaning, cooking, mopping and washing, I had the entire day left all to myself.

I plunged myself  into the sea of creativity.

some artworks

When health is not well, it is difficult to focus on anything, let alone creative activities. Reading seems much easier than the rest. Writing or painting requires more energy. Therefore, at first, I took to reading. Then I went back to photography and writing when I was feeling slightly better. But finally, I went back to painting and sketching...that too, after a long time.
Anyway, I thought of sharing some photographs of the sketches and paintings that I made during this period. 

                      watercolor-1- I love to paint bird sitting on a tree.
   
watercolor-2, bird again.  
pencil sketch-1-portrait of a girl. I love to create portraits.   
pencil sketch 2- I love to sketch portraits in different moods.




Do you like them ? I hope that I will do some more paintings and share with you in my blog. Meanwhile, I wanted to also share that I have created a pinterest board in this long absence of mine. This board is currently dedicated specifically to my personality type. I hope to add some other stuffs soon. You can visit it here.
My PINTEREST.

To the river of secrets

{For centuries, the rivers of our country have been guarding so many secrets of the soul…

In our tradition, when one dies, the dead body is burnt in firewood and afterwards,  the ashes are immersed and floated away in the river…. Therefore, our ancient rivers know every secret of our soul which remains unknown even to this world or society …}

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I have always wondered.... Why should our differences come in the way of our love ? Why are we using our differences to create a rift in our love that we have for each other ? Does these differences really matter and if these really really matter, then love is needed  perhaps even more now than ever before to heal the wounds created by these differences.

Or maybe, you don’t need this love or healing because to you, these differences are so vital and of so much  significance … and  perhaps love would make them appear less significant.

Whatever it is but it is true that I need love to hold on to you but do you ?  Do you need love or do you just need to hold on to me with or without love… with me  sitting by your side, living under the same sky that shelters us and that is what you would love to call love …but I want a little more than that …I want to enter your soul and I want you to enter in my soul…to the extent that you and I no longer remain two separate entities…so that I can forget who I am and who you are…is that even possible ? I am sure, it is …in my dreams, in my imagination but most of all, in my daily efforts to reunite us, each moment, each day…

Are you even aware of what is going on in my mind ? about the thoughts that I am having about you and me ? Perhaps not …

And that is why my thoughts are so precious…I love you not only in reality and through my actions but also in my thoughts..everyday  my thoughts live up to my expectations of a perfect love…

Yes, I am that kind of a girl.

I do not come from a broken life. I have a life, a good one and that too, that fulfills all your criteria and standards of a good life.

But I come from a broken heart. 

My soul cannot reach most of you. So I came this far in search of a perfect life in spite of having a good life.
Yes, I know that millions of people are homeless and friendless. Still, I am looking for something more than that ….

You see, I have my ideals firmly placed in my heart which I have been compromising for too long but compromising  does not mean that I will not keep thinking about what I ideally want to have.

That which God does not give us like -  love, peace and fulfillment, I will try to get them.

 I will try even if I don’t get them.

There are three ways that I feel fulfilled:

In trying and searching, I feel half fulfilled…

In dreaming and imagining that I have got them, I am more than half fulfilled …

and

In believing that one day, I will get near them and acquire them, I feel ultimate fulfillment and happiness.

Thus, happiness for me is : believing in the near impossible.

Maybe, it seems to you that I am talking like a frustrated child but I am not a child. A child may not think consciously but I am writing & thinking with full knowledge and awareness.

It does not matter whether you call me a fool, a crazy girl, or something else,  I will still continue to think like that.

You will never think like me and I will never think like you.

 And sometimes, when we do think like each other, we call it love.

I am grateful for the things that God gave me and I want them not replaced but reformed with more feelings, more love and more attachment and connection. It is not with the things that I have but with the gravity and depth of the things and the dimensions of the things…

Also, I need something extra, something extraordinary that is there in my visualization and one day my visualizations will take form, I believe.

I am not ignorant.

 I am aware that I might never get what I want. In fact, I have a doubt that the things that I want may not totally exist also.

But I like to doubt also. Because in doubting, there is 50:50 chance !!

So rather than not dreaming, not wanting and not wishing at all…let me at least dream, wish and then doubt it all…

Let me fantasize and visualize and only after that, I will throw all of it  away in your waters  where you will secretly guard my secrets forever…

Because you know that the soul has a life of its own…

I create my dreams

 
Thought of sharing something after a long time. 

I wrote a few poems. One of them I am posting below. Also a photo of me, with my short haircut, I am posting above.

" I Create My Dreams "

Everything about my past is existing still,

Still growing within me like as if I am carrying an unwanted child within my belly,

My memories and me,

We are that inseparable.

And I can't sleep because of that.

And then I can't sleep also because I have dreams in my eyes ,

Dreams that keeps me awake,

All that which is not there in my surroundings to soothe me,

I create in my soul.

Because I felt so alone in my loneliness.

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( decoding the poem a bit ):

Sometimes, for me, that which I imagine, i.e. the imaginary is as real. In fact at times, there is no difference. Sometimes, we would like to desperately forget the real or want to escape from the real. In those times, the real is not needed, reality does not give solace. So we imagine something else. 
So, sometimes, there is no difference at all. 
Imagination is an alternative reality.

The feeling of the imaginary is so damn real that sometimes it feels like someone is breathing down our shoulders or someone is running a razor over our arms. The feeling is totally real. We can create any feeling or any reality we want at any instant and to any extent like magic. This is so powerful, I feel.

Being Unique and Imperfect

One of the most likeliest causes of depression is comparison frenzy, I think.

In our society, we tend to measure our self worth and our values with that of the dominant class ( read: the celebrity types, the wealthy, the powerful, the beautiful, the youthful, the front page hoggers).

We also measure ourselves with the current trend, rejecting anything old as old fashioned and useless.

The victims of this comparison frenzy are often the old, the young, the women and also an important category whom we mostly forget : the introverts.

For instance, the introverted people feel that they are less smart than the extroverted people. There are many forums in social media which are run by the introverts to learn the nitty gritty of how to become socially smart. Many introverts suddenly  become "people pleasers" just to fit in a highly extroverted society.

There are many more cases such as this.  For instance, the case of an old man comparing himself to a young man and feeling "out of place ". Or the case of a young man comparing himself to a celebrity and getting stressed out because he has not achieved his idol's body type ( or personality type ) yet. Or the case of that young woman comparing herself to that gorgeous looking woman who happens to be her friend.

The old man who compares himself to the youth, feels that he is unwanted and left out in this age of texting, and internet and movies which are solely targeted at a young audience. The old man feels redundant and feels left out of conversation which they are not able to follow. 

To get over his redundancy, the old man desperately attempts to color his hair or give some unasked for advice (masked as wisdom from an experienced old chap) to the younger lot. He goes to such an extent just to fit into a society, which he feels no longer needs his participation.

Similar is the case of the common man obsessed with the celebrity types. Many want to buy similar gowns worn by their favourite celebrity on the red carpet even if they can hardly afford it . Some people go to the extent of following a celebrity  everyday in Twitter or Facebook, just to say "hi, good morning Julia ",  unconscious of the fact that those were fake celebrity profiles. Some would copy the celebrity lifestyle by feeding their kids the same brand of breakfast cereal that the celebrity is seen promoting on T.V.,  even if the celebrity actually does not use that product on her own kids!

Apart from comparing oneself to celebrities or getting influenced by them, common people  also compare themselves with other common people of their own herd. A homemaker compares herself with the working woman, for instance. In our society, a homemaker is always looked down upon as if homemakers shouldn't have existed in the first place. I myself have been looked down upon by women and men -by both the earning/working and the non-earning type.

All these comparison that we make, points to one fact: 

Low Self Esteem.

Only people with low self esteem ( who do not value their individuality or uniqueness) compare themselves with others. They think that others are better than them in some ways. They also think that by doing something "extra" ( i.e. buying  that wonder cream, getting a new job or getting their kids admitted to a prestigious school ), they would be able to "fit in".

But far from feeling satisfied, this tendency to fit in leaves a man still hungry for some more.

Maybe, some more "fitting in " ?

However, the more one tries to compare or fit in, the more anxiety and bitterness one encounters in the process.

I feel that an old man need not act like that "hip" grandpa  or a young woman need not buy so many cosmetics to feel good.

Even as I am writing this topic,  I am wondering : Who am I to judge or question other people's choices ? Let the grandpa color his hair and the young girl go on a diet...who am I to judge them ?

But I am writing this because I feel that as an individual and as a nation, we have begun to make changes and make comparisons because we dislike ourselves. 
These changes are not coming from a positive/informed place but from a place of deep dislike for the self, from a sense of lacking rather than from a sense of well being.
Well, each one of us would know actually from "where" it is coming from-so, let us look within and perceive ourselves rather than judge others.

I deeply feel that if we depend on something "outside of us " to give us some sense of identity then we would be, as individuals, forever restless and unfulfilled.

Only by looking within ourselves, we can discover our real identity. The "flaws" in ourselves can never be compared with the so called "perfection" in others. We can only be our own best version rather than being the bad version or the bad copy of someone else. Sometimes, by embracing our own flaws and by even liking them , we can be happy in our own skin.

The urge to prove ourselves to others in this society is the greatest mistake that we can make.

Why try to prove anything to anyone at all when God did not ask for any proof from our parents when he  created us in the first place ?

Why did God not make each one of us looking exactly the same- with the same size, the same striking beauty or the same flawless complexion or even the same brain ? It is because, he wanted us to cherish our uniqueness.

Why did God not mean us to  become forever young and healthy but rather age and become old ? It is because he wanted us to accept what is obvious.

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There are no flaws. Only differences.

Some people hate us because of our flaws, some love us in spite of our flaws and a handful  love us only because of our flaws ( because they have been there too ).

So, be Unique.

Revel in your individuality.

Stand Apart.

Do not follow the herd mentality.

Love yourself.

Discover your own hidden talents rather than copying others.

Be your own first rate version rather than being somebody else's second rate version.

Happy New Year

 

I said in my last post that I will be more regular with my blogging.

But blogging took a backseat.

Not that I was deliberately staying away from my blog. I was rather wanting to write time and again.

Yet, I got lost in other issues. I got busy.

Even when I had some spare moments thrown in between, I was taking my own sweet time, giving myself permission to be lazy.

Whatever it was, my writing suffered as a result of that. My preoccupation with other things such as- the much awaited year-end holiday, unexpected sickness and stress in the family, the usual get-togethers and socializing with friends and so many other expected as well as unexpected events came in the way of my desire to write.

Writing needs contemplation and I have not had the time to contemplate.
Writing needs silence and peace which is  hard to get when we are socializing or constantly talking.

But now, slowly after the end of the holiday season, I am coming to terms with myself and realizing that writing is necessary for me, more necessary than many a things.

For me , right now, I am lucky that winter is not yet harsh here.

So, I am still keeping myself very active, both physically and mentally.

Once the winter changes its colors and warmth, I might go into hibernation just like the birds.

But now, the weather is beautiful and cosy.

I still don't mind waking up in the morning to do some cooking for myself and my hubby.

Hope my spirit shall remain like this because this is how I love to see myself-Mentally active and alert for the rest of the year.

A lot has happened since the beginning of this year.

First of all, I celebrated my Birthday. I turned 36 this year.

I am also slowly going back to my old hobby of photography. After a long time, I took a walk in a nature park. I told my hubby to click me with nature. 



And this is what I captured that day. A beautiful flowering branch. I wish to plant this flower in my house someday. It grows into a very big tree with ever expanding branches, so right now I cannot plant it in my small balcony. But in the future....I would love to grow this plant !
  

I am feeling good now. 
All is well as of now.

My mind is relatively free now after going through a lot of inner and outer turmoils { in 2013}.
And only when my mind is free, I can pay attention to my inner voice.

I have noticed that a free mind is a beautiful mind.
And the mind goes into a crazy and wild mode when it is free.

And therefore, I am afraid that any time I might turn philosophical ....
I might be writing something philosophical or something romantic or passionately poetic in my coming blog posts.

Just because now my mind is free, its wandering and roaming here and there....I am getting enough time to contemplate.

Oh the joys of a free mind !
I cannot tell you enough quotes on the joys and the power of a free mind !

“There is nothing more powerful and nothing more dangerously beautiful than a free mind.” 
― Bryant McGill, Voice of Reason

“The most beautiful things can only be created by the most free minds!”
― Mehmet Murat ildan

Wishing you all a Happy New Year !


{ Hmmm...I cannot tell you how many times my mind was wandering here and there while I was writing this post !}